Embracing Embarrassment

Unfortunately, I will continue doing so.

It was a rainy day in 8th grade when we were scrambling from the Paul Revere Middle School quad to our 5th period classrooms. I was walking with my friends when we bumped up against the group ahead of us. A teenage traffic jam on foot. Everyone stopped. A girl had slipped in the mud and went butt-first into a puddle. Of course middle schoolers are incredibly ruthless, so everyone laughed. I laughed too (it haunts me to this day, more on that another time). But what I realized in that moment was “embarrassment is for other people - I’ll never let it happen to me.”

Unfortunately, all in the past month, I have:

• Fallen on a hike (twice) (thanks for the weak ankles, Mom!)

• Misspoken in work meetings with C-suite staff (>3 times)

• Posted videos of myself talking to a camera (with no signs of slowing down)

8th grade Kasey would be so disappointed in herself. 33 year old Kasey thinks she’s pretty badass.

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Embarrassment feels the most high stakes at work. I’m literally getting paid to say smart things. If I don’t, my reputation can plummet in a second. And scariest of all, a coworker can tell me that I’m wrong.

Or, like today, when I made an actual mistake. I owned it, apologized, and got a pissed off “okay” in response. I hated myself for my mistake, and I hated myself for feeling embarrassed. It was the embarrassment in knowing someone is now thinking about my mistake. Probably not even for that long, but long enough for me to feel it.

We all know that embarrassment stays with you way longer than it stays with anyone else. Everyone has another thing to move on to; meanwhile, I’m still replaying the meeting in my head three hours later.

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Then there’s physical embarrassment. As I mentioned, I inherited my mother’s weak ankles. They tend to humble me in public. And let me tell you, there is nothing like the immediate scan you do after falling:

• Did anyone see?

• Did that look as bad as it felt?

• Can I recover this with dignity?

• Why am I crying?

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I have also recently dabbled in self-inflicted digital embarrassment. I’m talking to a camera about fishing/safari/etc. and I post it ONLINE for PEOPLE TO SEE.

I speak all day. I am, in theory, a verbal person. And yet, I hit record and thoughts disappear. I develop a new stutter. My confidence is nonexistent. I’ve watched videos back where I pause so long mid-sentence that I look like I’m buffering.

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I still talk at work, I still go on hikes, and I still post videos of myself online. It’s not the embarrassment that used to stop me; it was the fear of people talking about it. Someone from school seeing it, a coworker having an opinion, a friend talking shit about me in a group text. If you don’t do anything outside the lines, there’s nothing to talk about.

I’ve learned something profound from this. If someone labels your actions as “embarrassing,” you’ve actually triggered something within them. Which is usually because you’re doing something they don’t feel comfortable doing.

I shared an idea in a meeting that was wrong, but they were too scared to speak up. I posted a TikTok where I’m talking to the camera, but they were too scared to even try. I took my weak ankles on a hike and they probably have stronger ankles than me anyway and maybe hiked but at least I’m trying to make my ligaments stronger even if that means falling sometimes…..whew.

Also, and I say this to myself with love: I am not the main topic of someone else’s life, which is either lonely or freeing, depending on how I look at it. I choose freeing.

So now, I’m embracing the embarrassment and seeing how far I can push myself. The alternative is a life where I’m so concerned with avoiding embarrassment that I never actually do anything worth reacting to.

Not trying at all actually feels more embarrassing than anything I’ve done so far.

xo,

Kasey

This is the most embarrassing photo of myself I’ve ever taken. Enjoy ;)